I’ve been awake since 2 a.m.
I’m currently sitting here under the covers in complete silence. Our dog rests at my feet, softly whimpering as he dreams of squirrels or the outdoors or the nearest dog park. It’s mid-morning now and I’ve listened to cars start up as people head into work or on the way for coffee with a friend or what-have-you. I’ve already worked out for the day, stretching my body to it’s absolute limit. The coffee has long been brewed and is currently growing colder by the second as it sits on my bedside table. And I find myself drawn here, naturally, to write.
Because, when you’ve been up since 2 a.m. and you cry thinking you’re alone in the gym only to open your eyes and find a stranger side-eying you like a crazy lady, you can’t help but shed all the walls you’ve built up and do something with the thoughts that have been circulating your brain on a never-ending cycle.
I was fired…again. There’s no sugarcoating and no the beating around the bush avoiding eye contact. I walked into my boss’s office and in all of 5 minutes, probably even less, had my job swept right from under me.
Please don’t take pity on me or say “you should boycott this company because…”. On the contrary, we left on good terms, hugs, and an understanding of one another. The reason? I didn’t have the right skill sets and they took a risk in hiring me knowing I didn’t have the skill sets to preform in this role. A risk that they were unable to continue to make moving forward with where the company was growing.
While the easy route is to be angry, fearful for what’s to come, or wallow in self pity with a gallon of ice cream, I turn to something I know I can do; write. I’m “keeping the head held high”, as they say…they as in the ominous “they”; as in the general people of the general population; as in the people who say things when they don’t quite know what to say but want you to know they are there for you and praying over you and know you will land on your feet tenfold.
And while it’s all good and great and well intended, it leaves me questioning a whole lot. “If I had only…” plays on repeat like a Taylor Swift song you can’t quite shake off. Or, more honestly, “what now”? I find myself doubting who I am, what I’m about, and what’s wrong with me because how can someone be fired twice in two totally opposite fields with two totally opposite job descriptions? Am I the common denominator holding teams back? Am I the constant issue? Is it time for me to get back into therapy because something must be broken within me if this is happening…again? Let the destruction reek havoc on our lives and our finances and our family…again.
All of these thoughts have been seeping into my brain, creating doubt and adding weight as I try to gather what’s next in my life if not this.
My husband and I had been praying for months for God to close the door when He’s ready for me to move on and I’d say that door is well shut, even if it was shut gently and kindly. Throughout the day, I had this feeling in my gut and I messaged my husband saying I couldn’t quite place this feeling but something feels off. I messaged this less than 30 minutes before I was called into the office to face what was to come.
His response? “God is in control. I’m praying over you.”
I’ve been fired in the past and with that experience, it did feel like a gut punch because of promises made but not kept, but when it was said to me at eye level with direct eye contact, “it’s just not working out anymore”, I couldn’t help but feel…well, at peace. It was honest. I felt it, they felt it, and when it was all said and done, I got up and said out loud in the office I was just fired in, “God’s in control”.
God’s in control. I’ll say it again. God. Is. In. Control.
I could sit here, write how miserable I was or how lost I felt over the last few months. Or the fact that I felt like a square peg in a round hole knowing I didn’t fit in but trying to do so anyway. I could, but I won’t. Why? Because the place was everything I needed for God to work within me and heal me.
In God’s timing, nothing happens by accident and in the time I was there, it gave me time to heal the silent wounds that still needed to be healed.
Here’s the thing…earlier in the day, I had received a daily prayer as part of a prayer chain I’m in with the intention of praying before starting my routines. However, I hadn’t had a chance to read it. As I was getting in my car, I remembered I hadn’t read the daily prayer that was sent and pulled out my phone. Slowly, I read as I started my car. Carefully, I recited words of scripture as I cranked the air conditioning. I sank back into my seat and broke down, not because I just lost my job, but because of the words in the prayer and how timely He is with everything.
Dear God,
I pray for the protection of my family and friends. Please watch over them today–guard their hearts, minds, and steps. Bless them with peace, favor, and strength. Guide them to make wise decisions that align with Your will. Surround them with Your love and presence, and keep them safe from harm.
As Psalm 121:7-8 says, “The lord will protect you from harm; He will protect your life. The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever.” Thank you for being our shield and defender.
In Jesus name, amen.
Nothing happens by accident in the Lord’s path. And through the destruction, there’s redirection already taking place. He’s 10, 20, 30 steps ahead of the plan. As followers, it’s not our role to dictate our life but blindly follow the gentle whispers, nudges, and answers from God that help transform our life according to His will.
You see, we can easily miss those gentle nudges if we are somewhere He doesn’t see any use for anymore with our skills, talents, and abilities He’s so carefully hand-crafted just for you and just for me. There’s a time and there’s a place and for a time, you could be at the right place but when He says to move, it’s time to move.
I would be remise if I negated all the good, growth, and healing that has happened since working for this company. It was exactly what I needed in the time I needed it. Why? Because God knew I needed time to step back and heal from things my heart was still straining from.
And now?
Now, I sit here, writing to whoever meanders over to this devotional, to my very real life, with the hopes of reaching just one person who might be feeling they are hopeless. Who, like me, has found themselves jobless and unsure where to turn and has been up since the butt-crack of dawn worried about what’s to come.
To you, I pray this daily prayer over you:
Dear God,
Help me to master my mind today. Let my thoughts align with Yours. May Your Word be the focus of my mind, shaping the way I think, speak, and act. As I read Scripture, let it take root in me and overflow into every part of my life. Fill my heart with truth so that I may walk in wisdom and peace.
As Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be confirmed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.”
Shape my mind to reflect Your will.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Remember, friends, sometimes the situation in your life might look like destruction, but it’s God’s redirection for what He’s already preparing for what’s next. Wait. Be patient. Stay curious. Look with intentionality. And get ready to walk into whatever season He has prepared for you in this next stage of life. God is in control.
Simply Blooming Grace 